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Comment by Eve♥#9 on September 14, 2020 at 1:56pm
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A Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight,
“I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself
for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well,
last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
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WHY I'M DIVORCED
That morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a
small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'HappyBirthday.'
I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will
remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy
Birthday.'
And I just sat there.... on the couch.... naked.
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello, Son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.
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Comment by Racepro on August 31, 2015 at 3:30am
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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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johnny went to the zoo with his mom and saw an elephant,,,he said,,,whats that long thing hanging down,,mom said,,,thats his trunk,,,johnny said,,no further back,,,mom said that's his tail,,,johnny said,,no,,in the middle,,,mom said,,oh, that's nothing....then,,,johnny went to the zoo with his dad,and saw the elephant, ,and asked whats that long thing hanging down,,,dad said, that's his trunk,,,no further back,,,dad said that's his tail,,,johnny said,,no in the middle,,dad said that's his penis,,,johnny said,,,mom said it was NOTHING,,dad said,,,well, she has been spoiled,,,
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I love the jokes, guys, keep them up,,
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