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Fun and Jokes

The Place to come and enjoy good Jokes and Funny Stories.

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Latest Activity: Oct 11

Fun & Jokes

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Whats up the the tire issues this season?

Started by Gordo. Last reply by Racepro Jul 3. 1 Reply

What is NASCAR and Goodyear up to this season? Continue

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Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on October 11, 2014 at 3:45pm

Duck Hunters
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Comment by RowdyGal18 on October 6, 2014 at 8:21am

Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on September 30, 2014 at 10:35am

Walking into the bar, I said to the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said the bartender, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' I replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really?' said the bartender, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Comment by Gordo on September 17, 2014 at 6:43pm
Comment by RowdyGal18 on September 9, 2014 at 8:27am

...

Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on September 7, 2014 at 1:33am

Three Aussie blokes working up an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
... Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said...'I'll betcha a case of beer you are

Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on September 1, 2014 at 3:37pm

Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
A: Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Comment by Roxy48♥5 on July 10, 2014 at 11:44am

CURTAIN RODS 
 

 


On  the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into  boxes, crates and suitcases.
 
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
 
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on  some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of  caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
 
When he'd  finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
 
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first  all was bliss.
 

 

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. 
 
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
 
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.
 
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.
 
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
 
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
 
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
 
Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
 
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
 
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
 
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!

 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on July 3, 2014 at 2:09pm

Comment by Eve 24 ♫ on June 24, 2014 at 9:18am

 

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