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The Place to come and enjoy good Jokes and Funny Stories.
Latest Activity: Nov 20, 2015
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight,“I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
When God created Adam and Eve, He said: I only have two gifts: One is the art of peeing standing ... And then Adam stepped forward and shouted: ME!, ME!, ME!, I would love it please ... Lord, please, please! Look, it will make my life substantially easier. Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her. Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy. He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ... Well, he would not stop showing off. God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God: What is the other gift? ' God answered: Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello, Son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
johnny went to the zoo with his mom and saw an elephant,,,he said,,,whats that long thing hanging down,,mom said,,,thats his trunk,,,johnny said,,no further back,,,mom said that's his tail,,,johnny said,,no,,in the middle,,,mom said,,oh, that's nothing....then,,,johnny went to the zoo with his dad,and saw the elephant, ,and asked whats that long thing hanging down,,,dad said, that's his trunk,,,no further back,,,dad said that's his tail,,,johnny said,,no in the middle,,dad said that's his penis,,,johnny said,,,mom said it was NOTHING,,dad said,,,well, she has been spoiled,,,
I love the jokes, guys, keep them up,,
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its David , and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.
"David , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart" I said....
Dan was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.His favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.To his amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.Dan was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.If you don't send this on, you're chicken, no yoke!
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